Filed under “Language”
February 19, 2008
December 4, 2007
Bookstore Befuddlement
About 10 years ago I worked in a large chain bookstore (where I once actually selected this book as my “employee pick”). I think I was a pretty good bookseller, but there was this one conversation I had with a customer that in retrospect I find amusing. I was standing in the Science and Computers section when he approached, looking for books on a particular topic.
“Excuse me,” he said. “Where can I find books about pediaphiles?”
Hmm, I thought. He’s looking for books about people who are sexually attracted to children. Well that could be in psychology, or true crime maybe. “What kind of book are you looking for?” I asked.
“Just a general book.”
“Well, are you interested in the psychology of pediaphiles? Or case studies?”
With obvious confusion on his face, he said, “I guess I’m trying to find out how they’re made.”
“Well, I think that would be psychology. Let me look in the computer and see what we have,” I replied, catching on that we were somehow miscommunicating something, but unsure what that might be.
“I don’t think it would be psychology,” he said, “I think it would be here in the computer section.”
“Books on pediaphiles?”
“Yeah.”
“Um…”
“Do you even know what a pediaphile is?” he asked, obviously thinking I’m an idiot.
“Well, I thought so.”
“It stands for Portable Document Format. It’s what you use when you want to e-mail a document and retain the formatting.”
“Oh! PDF file! I thought you were asking for… nevermind. Yes, we have books on PDF files.”
And I haven’t been able to look at a PDF attachment the same way since.
Note: I know, the word is “pedophile.” But the prefix “pedia-” as in “pediatrician” threw me off. I’ve also recently learned that people who edit a lot of wikipedia articles are sometimes called pediaphiles. None of these people should be confused with podophiles, who have foot fetishes.
June 18, 2007
The best and worst of The Economist
The Economist is a weekly magazine that focuses on world news, business, and politics. The magazine, based in London, is dense with information and can be tough to wade through. The publishers target an upper-class demographic, and it shows in their ads for the magazine. A recent ad had a tag line which read, “It’s lonely at the top, but at least there’s something to read.” The Economist is the sort of magazine pretentious people like to be seen reading.
Naturally, I have a subscription.
As I was wading through this week’s issue, I realized that whoever writes the headlines (the copy editor, I think) has an interesting sense of humor and a penchant for puns and cultural references. Some of the headlines are better than others. I went through the stack of unread issues that’s been piling up in the living room and picked out some of the best and the worst headline puns and references from recent weeks. Whether you think they are the best or the worst probably depends on whether you like puns. Here are some examples:
Article topic: What conservatives get, and do not get, about foreign aid.
Headline: Right to bear alms
Article topic: Former CIA Director George Tenet’s new book has some factual errors but is still worth reading.
Headline: George’s tenets
Article topic:Two big meat producers agree to merge.
Headline:A steak in the market
Photograph: A polar bear stands on a piece of ice surrounded by water. The article is about global warming.
Caption: It’s getting unbearable
Article topic: Scrubbing carbon from coal-fired power stations is possible but pricey.
Headline: Dirty king coal
(I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a play on Nat King Cole or Old King Cole)
Article topic: Businesses are engaging in war game style simulations to gain new perspective on complex problems.
Headline: Shall we play a game?
Article topic: The cost of making cell phone calls overseas.
Headline: When in roam
Article topic: Californians are leaving the state, filling its neighbor states with former Californians.
Headline: Dreams of Californication
Article topic: Ecuador has a new President, Rafael Correa
Headline: Magical mystery tour
(Seriously, I have no idea what this headline is supposed to mean. I read the whole article and still can’t figure it out. Correa isn’t touring anywhere. He’s not listening to the Beatles. Why the reference? I don’t get it.)
Article topic: Rio de Janeiro’s economy isn’t doing so well.
Headline: Blame it on Rio
Article topic: The popularity of the Russian royal family
Headline: Tsarstruck
Article topic: The president’s policies on global warming
Headline: Emissionary positions
Article topic: Scientist Craig Venter takes on yet another big project
Photo caption: Craig’s list gets longer and longer
May 9, 2007
Murmur at the poetry slam.
Um, hi. Is this thing on? Okay, um. So the name of my poem is “Murmur” and it was inspired by something called “reduplication.” That’s when you have a word that’s made of a repeated syllable or word. Like “Bonbon” or “Couscous.” Okay, so um… So I’m just going to read it now. *ahem*
Murmur.
Zsa zsa slapped a cop
who pulled her over in La-La land.
She left a booboo on his face
From all the bling-bling on her hand.
Dance the cha cha
Or the can can
Shake your pom pom
To Duran Duran
Bora Bora is an island
Walla Walla’s in the US.
The UN’s Boutros Boutros-Ghali
used to live near the Suez.
When you say night-night to your baby
there’s a fifty-fifty chance
That she may have gone wee-wee
Or made a doo-doo in her pants.
Mahi Mahi is a fish.
Add some tartar, it wouldn’t hurt.
Couscous makes a great side dish.
Have a bonbon for dessert.
Lulu wore a muumuu
cocoa-colored like her friend’s.
Fifi said it’s too matchy-matchy
But they’re buddy-buddy ‘til the end.
The Mamas and the Papas
Made “Monday Monday” a #1 hit.
Hindsight being 20/20,
Maybe the band shouldn’t have quit.
Mork said “Nanu Nanu.”
Luke rode on a taun-taun’s back.
Ralphie wants a BB gun,
and Mimi’s makeup’s out of whack.
“Knock knock” began the joke.
Lulu asked, “Who’s there?”
But the rim-shot came too early
on the tom tom and the snare.
Sirhan Sirhan shot RFK
It was a dum-dum move, that dork.
They would have sent him to Sing-sing
If he had done it near New York, New York.
“Ha ha” said Jerry Seinfeld
watching the “Yadda yadda” show.
Tsk tsk! Laughing at your own show’s jokes
is a TV writer no-no.
The dada artist drew a yo-yo
Being played with by a tsetse fly
Who was standing on a putt-putt course.
Nobody understood why.
The dodo birds have gone extinct.
Tut tut, there are no more living.
“Gobble gobble” says the turkey.
“Have a vegetarian din-din this Thanksgiving.”
Peter Pan was a goody goody
who lived in Never Never Land.
But now he’s on the wah-wah pedal
playing in a hard rock band.
It’s the same old same old with these rhymes.
And so it’s almost time to say bye-bye.
I’m running out of things to write. Um…
A sailor says “Aye aye.”
Choo choo goes the train.
Vroom-vroom goes the Corvette.
Oh no, this is my worst rhyme of all.
Now they’ll never link to me from boingboing.net.
April 27, 2007
Idea: Uncensor the Internet with Greasemonkey
There’s an article on-line from Money Magazine called “50 Bulls**t Jobs.” That’s right. Bulls**t. With those two asterisks in there. Come on. We know what word they mean. So why not just say it? If they think we’re adult enough to be reminded of the word, why don’t they think we’re adult enough to see the actual word? (The article is based on a book
Oh, I know. It’s the kids. They might be reading. Sh*t. I didn’t f*cking think of that. It would be terrible if they would see the word “Bulls**t” in print, but it’s okay for them to see it with the asterisks, right? They’ll have no idea what that means. And I’m sure they have no idea what “the F word” is, so let’s just keep calling it that.
But what about us adults who can decide for ourselves whether we want to see foul language or not? Is there a way for us to avoid all this f****ng unnecessary self-censorship littering the internet?
There is now. I’ve created the “Uncensor the Internet” script for Greasemonkey (a Firefox plug-in that lets you add all sorts of useful functionality to your web browser, available here). If you’re running Firefox with the Greasemonkey plug-in, just install this script, and see all the foul language that people are pretending they don’t use.
It’s also available as a standalone plug-in for those of you who aren’t running Greasemonkey. Right-click on the link to save it to your desktop, and then drag it into your browser window.
To see an example of the script in action, reload this page after you’ve installed it.
Previously: The CNN Fortune Cookie Greasemonkey script. It automatically adds the phrase “in bed” to the end of CNN.com headlines.
Update: I’ve fixed the script so it knows the difference between “a whole” and “a**hole,” and it knows the difference between “batch,” “botch,” “butch,” and “b*tch.”
February 20, 2007
George Bush and Jack Bauer
The current issue of the New Yorker magazine has an interesting article about Joel Surnow, the man behind the TV show “24
With that in mind, I found a similarity between George W. Bush and Jack Bauer that isn’t mentioned in the article. I put together a little video to demonstrate:
November 14, 2006
Idea: Use “apparent” when it’s not simply “alleged.”
In America, a person is considered innocent by the law until he is proven guilty. When the media cover a case where someone has been accused of a crime but not convicted, they follow the same guideline. And they should. If the news calls someone an arsonist, for example, but he is later determined to be innocent, the news could get in trouble for defamation or slander. So the word “alleged” is used.
Dictionary definition of alleged: “Asserted without proof or before proving.”
That’s great. The media shouldn’t go around convicting people before they’ve had their day in court. But what if there is proof, but the legal process hasn’t yet taken its course? What if the suspect was caught red-handed? Sure, there might be circumstances not yet known that would shine a completely different light on the situation. But when there is known evidence, maybe “alleged” isn’t the right word. I propose “apparent.”
Dictionary definition of apparent: “manifest as true on the basis of evidence that may or may not be factually valid.”
Let’s look at some stories in the news. In Orange County, Florida police have arrested a man for running an “alleged pot-growing operation.” News footage shows a dozen or so large marijuana plants found in his home. Now, sure, I suppose it could turn out that they’re plastic plants and nobody realized it. Or that someone else put them there to frame him. But given the evidence on hand, I think it’s weak to call this simply an alleged pot-growing operation. It looks like an apparent pot-growing operation to me. This acknowledges that the evidence still may be shown to be invalid, but it calls the situation what it actually is.
In Elmira, New York, an “alleged bank robber” is on the loose. A man approached two people making a deposit at an ATM, pushed them to the ground, and took their money. And he hasn’t been caught. Sure, it’s possible the victims made the whole thing up (the article doesn’t say whether or not the ATM’s camera caught all the action). But it seems to me that there is an apparent bank robber on the loose.
[Note: This paragraph not for the squeamish] And in Hong Kong, tragedy struck a woman who had previously reported domestic violence. This time, she didn’t survive. According to reports, she called emergency services, screaming that there had been a murder, and then she got cut off. Police arrived in her home to find her and two others hacked to death. The article headline calls this an “alleged murder.” Surely it’s safe to call it an “apparent murder,” isn’t it?
I understand the need to err on the side of caution. But the word “alleged” has an actual meaning. It’s not just a catch-all word to keep you out of trouble. There is another word that is just as cautious, and is often more appropriate. Apparently, not everyone sees it that way.
November 12, 2006
What about Southbund?
Maybe the next time subway fares go up, the MTA can finally afford that spell-check software.
Detail of a sign spotted on an N train platform.
August 28, 2006
Thumbing through the dictionary
I recently noticed how many body parts have made the leap from noun to verb. Here are a few things you can do with your body parts as verbs:
Shoulder the burden.
Face the music.
Arm yourselves!
Foot the bill.
Stomach an awful movie.
Finger the suspect.
Elbow a pushy jerk on the subway.
Neck with your girlfriend.
Tongue her if she’ll let you.
Bone her once your parents go to sleep.
Mouth along with the music.
Head out of here.
Skin a cat.
Scalp the cat’s owner.
Back out on your commitment.
Eyeball the hot girl at the club.
Hand over your cash.
Knee a mugger in the nuts.
Thumb your nose at the President.
Heart New York.
Butt out.
July 24, 2006
Big Boggle box bears best board
I’m really into Boggle these days. And I don’t mean that wussy 4x4 Boggle. No, I’m talkin’ about 5x5 Big Boggle. I know there are several on-line versions available, but nothing beats the fun of playing real people face-to-face, and the shake-shake sound of the cubes in the Boggle board. So I’ve been playing the real world game, and that’s when I noticed the Big Boggle game in progress on the Big Boggle box.
I think that must be the best Big Boggle tray ever. How carefully did they have to plan it? It’s hard to believe such a great tray is even possible by chance alone. There must be tons of great words on that tray. Take a look and see how many you can find. Remember: This isn’t the wussy edition, so to make things extra tough we’re not only disallowing 3 letter words, but 4 letter words as well.
So how many 5-letter or longer words can you find? For an added challenge, limit yourself to just 3 minutes.
I’ll start things off: PREDATING, STEAMERS, BEIGNETS…
And no fair using a computer program to figure it out. Just use your brain.
May 31, 2006
Idea: Lexidiem, the word of the day.
Why isn’t there a word that means “Word of the day?” Well now there is.
Lexidiem. n. sing. lek-si’-dee-im. (preferred) lek-si-dee’-im (altern. accepted) 1. Word of the day. [Modern American English, from Greek lexis (word) and Latin diem (day), reflecting the hodgepodge of international roots that make up Modern American English words].
Example 1: “Lexidiem will probably be this blog’s only lexidiem.”
Example 2: “Dictionary.com features a lexidiem section.”
Example 3: “Webster’s Dictionary on-line has a lexidiem section, too.”
This cliché is dead. Long live this cliché!
Things that are proclaimed dead yet hailed to be long living:
Devo • The book • The internet • DEC • The Designer • Economics • Java • Email • Eminent Domain • The Human Rights Council • Layout • Clint the chimpanzee • Grokster • Environmentalism • Tax reform • Television • The Assessor • The peace process • The wolf • Yahoo! • PageRank • The kiosk • Microsoft Bob • Robin Hood • Camper Van Beethoven • Internet radio • Romanticism • Firefox Help • Wikipedia • DVD • PGP • Microsoft • AllofMP3 • Documentary • The King
March 31, 2006
Idea: “Less is.”
The phrase “Less is more” has become ubiquitous enough that, in keeping with the spirit of the expression, I think it should be shortened to simply, “Less is.”
March 24, 2006
Lost in translation
I’ve finally had time to watch the most recent episode of “Lost.” I was shocked to see this in a subtitled scene:
“You’re husband… he works for your father.”
Um… I know that the writers sneak all sorts of subtle clues about the show into the dialogue, the scenery, and elsewhere, but I assume this one was a legitimate mistake.
